I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
