It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
