I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize