so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
