hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
