"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
