My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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