apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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