Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
