dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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