yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
