if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
