The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
