Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
