Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
