lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
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