Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i think i have herpe
just one?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize