Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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