on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
