My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
