Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
