i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
