I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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