Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
