2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
