Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
