his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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