dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
