Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
