we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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