guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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