Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
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