My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Text me some of your sweat
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
