Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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