I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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