I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
