Screwed.edu
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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