Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize