I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
