We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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