Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
