She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
