Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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