Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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