Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
