in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You have to summon your inner elephant
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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