Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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