i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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