1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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