Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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