tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
