Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
