bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize