I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
