I met the friendliest cop last night
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
