Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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