Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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